With the 4th of July just passing you know that family gatherings were a to do for most of us. As with most family get togethers during the summer ours was held at my Mother’s as they have a in ground pool, so by default they hold all summer events. Not that many of the adults get in but it’s a nice center piece.

As with any family event winding down the different generations of adults sit down and start discussing whatever comes up. My lucky day as it was decided children and child rearing were part of the discussion. Did I ever mention that not only do I have the most children, almost a four to one ratio in my siblings, but that I’m the baby of the family. When you figure I’m one of five on one side (both parents remarried after their divorce) but combined I’m the youngest of seven siblings! So since my children are the youngest on the one side I get lots of advice, not so much from my siblings but from our parents, their in-laws, and my parents close friends ( who are “aunts and “uncles”) as well as my actual aunts and uncles.

Yes, you guessed it I follow all this sage and might I add freely given advice with almost religious vigor, NOT! Though I do admit to usually taking a silent or non-committal role during most of these type of discussions, not only is it easier for me but my husband as well. He really hates when they get my dander up over something “stupid” (his words, not mine) and he has to deal with me either needing to let off steam (you know rehashing the conversation but this time with all those intelligent comebacks you think of after) or having to prop up my confidence in being a great Mom. So of course I tried to keep my comments to vague and innocent sounding. One of the many topics was how young those in their twenties seemed….innocent to agree right…wrong I was reminded that I had my first child at 22, second and third at 25 and last one at 28 so to get myself out of where it had gone before..I started to young and my husband had hoped to keep me barefoot and pregnant (yea right do they know how long it took to convince him I truly wanted everyone one of them?!) and so it would have went… So I thought it would be great to change the direction to how I would only be in my mid-forties when the last hit 18 and graduated. And since I saw it coming added that yes I knew they might not be out of the house and may still need help, at least worrying about babysitters, making their meals, and that if I wanted or needed to go away I would be free to.

So since I though I covered most of those bases I figured the conversation would now not be focused on me and would go back to being general or about any the other parents in my generation. Did it go that way? Of Course Not! No my Mother then had to state that I would then have no control over them then.  I don’t see child rearing in line with animal training. You don’t strive to control and break children’s behavior, you guide, steer, aim, advocate, etc, breaking a child to a parents view just leaves a mess that may or may not get put back together or if your really unlucky a child that grows up and does the same thing to their child. I know I should have just ignored her comment but this is a pet peeve (ok a major peeve) with me. So I opened my mouth and inserted foot, at least to them. I stated that I really have no control over my children except for their love and their desire to please me. Yes, I know you can see where this is going, even I could see the freight train barreling down on my “naive’” head. “No wonder my children don’t have spotless rooms and try to get out of helping around the house”  were the few complaints they could come up with.

Though their arguments about how my children act didn’t hold much water as it is general knowledge that my children are great listeners, at least outside the house in it they’re your typical children and pre-teen, get good if not great marks in school, are seen as role models by teachers and administrators, are active in after school activities, and can be taken to five star restaurants or fast food joints without incident, and love to help others. So even if they fight authority at home, not to strenuously, can’t keep their hands off the xbox, or eyes off the tv, want to play instead of cleaning up after themselves, hate cleaning up after the dog, or can’t remember to feed the pets everyday; I think they are still ahead of the game. Or in my husbands words “if they did all that they wouldn’t be children they would be adults”.

So as they couldn’t think of much to complain about my sister’s mother-in-law asked me to explain. So I did. You can’t control children anymore then you can anything else. Their love for you and desire to please is already ingrained…think of any 1 yr old and how they follow their mother around trying to help. You stroke that desire by letting them help, even if in reality it’s not helping you, it’s teaching them. Now you may lose some of that during the 2 through 5 year old period, but it will creep out when you least expect it during those years (especially after they make you rethink why you wanted children in the first place), encourage it when you see it. By 6 or 7 it will be back as they are ready to learn how adults in their lives do what they do. Once again the help may really be a hindrance but willingness to let them, teaches them how to do it and at this age they can master some chores. Of course it will only last a year or two if your lucky then your back to reminding them of their chores, or if you have an over achiever you can luck out and be able to just list chores.

Just remember they won’t always remember or actually do those chores, even if they do remember.  Just keep in mind the other piece of advice that sticks in the back of my mind when confronted with a contest of wills. “Never get in a argument with a child…and if you do WIN! So pick your battles carefully. For all it takes is to lose once for a child to know they CAN WIN.” In other words a child doesn’t realize they can win against an authority figure until they DO. So no matter the cost always win in a battle of wills with a child. They learn quick and don’t forget their victories for years if not decades!

So now my husband is hoping we can go visit my Father’s side for Labor Day as it’s always relaxing there, and inserting a foot is harder for me to do there.  Who knows maybe I’ll let him win that one!

Children and how I love them….That is my mantra for today.  Being the mother to four children can make that something that needs to be repeated to yourself to remind you why you keep trying to be everywhere and everything at once.

School is out for the year next week and the excitement has been seen readily in my children and those I deal with at school.  In other words there is no discipline possible because the children see the shinning light at the end of their tunnel and it’s blinding them to anything else.  As long as no one is hurting anyone most rules have pretty much expired as their use by date is no longer valid. So yelling, ignoring, and pretty much play all day is the theme for the children at school.  Mine are trying to emulate that but of course at home it’s another story.

Since I believe that if you plan on arguing with a child you can’t afford to lose or give up, I try to pick my fights wisely.  Because if I back myself into a corner I really don’t want to be in I may be there for a while until the child realizes that I mean what I say.  Anyone who has children or deals with them knows that they may be old and grey before they give in.  Children love boundaries, but at the same time they have a need to explore and push those same boundaries.  Both are signs of health children, who said childhood made sense?

For the last two days I have not only had the pleasure of excitedchildren, end of year events, work and home issues, but a child sick and missing those same end of year events.  Talk about an unhappy child! She tried to go to school for her class picnic but had to come home because she was to miserable.  Which means that finding childcare before I was due at work became an issue as well as making sure we had everything at home to make her feel comfortable.  You know chicken noodle soup, ginger ale, medicine, tissues, etc.  as well as trying to get someone to watch her at home so she would rest.  As luck would have it my one stand-by had sick children so she was out, the other had taken a job for the day, and my Mom wasn’t feeling up to it.  That left asking Hubby but he was in meetings and didn’t call back until 10 minutes before I needed to be at work.  At least he made it, she is old enough to stay home by herself but hates it and I haven’t ever left her alone before so wasn’t to keen on the idea.  So to make this shorter the gist is that no matter how well you have everything planned, or even backed up there always comes a time when nothing will fit into any of those and you have to fly by the seat of your pants. 

Being a parent seems to be something that can make someone an expert at finding solutions when all avenues seem to be blocked.  Children are a wonderful reminder that life follows no rational path that we can see.  That being said doesn’t mean that their is no rhythm or reason to what we experience just that we cannot see what it is.  Sometimes we get a glimpse and most times we just think we get it.  So even if children can make me wish that I didn’t love them as much as I do I wouldn’t give up the wonderful opportunities they give me.  They can be as varied as the imagination of a child and matter to us all. So for everytime a child seems to not get what I’m trying to say or do, I wonder how many times that same child has felt the same of me.  I believe that they probably are batting the same average as me, if not worse.  So I can handle my frustration they give me with grace and be an example.  Because if I don’t act with the grace that is then that is what they are learning to do also.  For every interaction of a child and adult is a learning experience for the child, hopefully the adult too.

Hope to all the adults to be the example they wish the children around them to emulate. 

Yes that’s right for two of my children school will now be at home with me.  Wasn’t an option I had seen myself ever doing as I believe that the only way for public education to be viable is to use it and become involved to make it what you want.  Well that all works well enough until you get to bullying…..no parent can protect their child from it no matter how many hours they spend at the school or how much they involve themselves in the school unless the adminstration of the school has a plan of action and implments it accordingly.  Unfortunately for me my couple hundred hours of volunteering a year plus working in the cafeteria on a daily basis was not enough to do anything but curb it when I was around, and then not always if they saw I was busy elsewhere.

Well in truth I started this post before I brought them home but figured it was important enough to finish it up. I have had them home for a little over a month now and have to say that the changes in them that I have seen is more than worth the extra work I do now.  My two oldest daughters have again become the good natured, helpful, and confident girls I had felt such pride in.  The nit picking and hurtful comments and actually turning to physical violence between them has stopped.  And that was with only a little time home.  When they were put back in the environent they held their heads up, my one daughter was asked to still perform in the winter concert so we spent a day back in the school for the last practice and school concert.

To see them now with bright eyes and acually beating me to the lessons in the morning makes it worth it.  They start school by 7:30 in the morning by their choice and are ususally done no later then 2pm.  So they have time to enjoy their day and when they want to delve deeper into a subject we are free to do so.  Our school days typically end in a group discussion that has them sitting on my bed while I answer questions that were sarked by things they learned or have been curioys about.  They can range from my girls development to my daughters name being the same as a Roman goddess to how to grow plants.  It keeps me on my toes and shows how their minds just soak up information and search for even more.

I am still scared that I have not researched enough, got enough books, found enough websites, talked with enough parents and educators, and millions of other things.  But the knowledge that they want to learn again makes up for all my fears.  I am due for a review in Febuary so I’m sure you’ll be hearing more about this then.

For now I would just like to say that yes it is more work and takes sacrafice, I can’t write anywhere near what I used to, but then again going to school to check up and make sure everyone was on teh same page cut into it more.  IT IS WORTH IT.  The doors that are now open to them are far more then the ones that are closed since they are no longer in public education system.  We can go to musuems when we want, see history in the making, join clubs that with a standard schedule would have stressed them out….all without worry.  My children are almost in school 7 days a week because our weekends have always been for culture and now they get credit.  On days they feel unwell they take off, but mostly just start late and do a light day.

So anyone thinking about it….do your research, talk to other doing it, join homeschool groups, and then take that leap of faith and go for it.